When it comes to getting your needs met
Soft and subtle could work…
But if it’s NOT working
‘Soft Assertiveness’ is the method you should employ

We all want to be heard
We all want to be understood
And we all want to get our needs met
But there are millions of people across the globe
Feeling unheard, disconnected, and unsupported.

Voicing our needs in a functional way
Is the key to avoiding being in that group
We call it Soft Assertiveness
It’s about asking nicely
For what you want.

Ever been guilty of hoping others will
act, behave or respond in a certain way
and then being disappointed when they don’t?
I have totally been there myself!

I was chatting with my mother recently
Who was literally telling me that someone
Had not ‘mind read’ her thoughts
And she was a tad jarred by it.

It seems funny when I say it out aloud.
Buts it’s a common problem.

I used to think that way myself at times
Nikk would call me out on it in the early days.
She told me, “I’m not a mind reader”
I thought that response was a cop out!
How does she not know,
what I want,
what I need,
how much more obvious
Do I have to be?
(um, Yolande – just voice it)

She would even tell me at times
That she was never really sure
how I even felt….
(clearly she was impossible to deal with) LOL!!!

I used to think she should be able to
Read my mind
After all,
my actions (in my mind)
Were pretty dam clear
But when she explained
She had no idea about MY internal thoughts
It slowly became obvious
And I eventually believed her
And just started speaking my truth
More and more
But nicely – of course.

I reckon we are all guilty of it.
Often times without even being aware of it.

We can do it in really subtle ways
Like suggesting something to our partner or friend
But doing so vaguely,
hoping they will pick up on the true meaning
the one WE are aware of
But in most cases THEY are not
And then feeling hurt when they turn us down

Eg:
You want to spend some time
connecting with your friend or partner.
You: “Do you want to go for a walk tonight?”
Partner: “No thx”
You: (THINK) …. why don’t they want to spend time with me?
Partner: (THINK)…. I hate walking, I’d prefer to stay home.

The subtle ‘asking’ often backfires
With a rejection that sees us feeling BAD.

Versus…
You: “I miss you, I want to connect with you tonight,
are you interested in walking with me?”
Partner: “No thx”
You: “Is that no thanks for the walk?
Or no thanks for connecting with me”
Partner: “Oh just the walk, but let’s watch a movie instead”

This soft assertiveness style of communication
The one where we look after ourselves
And check more directly when needed
Sees us back in control
Stating what we want
And being clear where we stand

Try it out sometime
And remember it’s all in the delivery
You can say pretty much anything
As long as you say it softly and nicely
And why not make a promise to yourself…
No more feeling bad by assuming others can mind read you!

Enjoy!

With warmth,

Nikk and Yolande

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