a time where we get space
from the daily rush.
And with that space
comes the opportunity
to think and to feel into our life.
To see all that it is, and all that it isn’t.
For many, this public holiday,
is a family time.
Perhaps just the immediate family,
sometimes the extended family too.
This can be a good thing
if your family situation is loving and strong
or not such a good thing if it isn’t.
As we gather with our family
without all the day to day distractions,
we’re likely to notice
how we’ve been feeling.
As well, we’ll be far more aware
of the emotions that are present.
Normally we’re too busy to do this.
But with not much on
it’s hard not to notice
exactly how our body feels.
We can sometimes start to think
about where we are in our life.
And that can lead to a few challenging questions…
Is my life what I expected it to be?
Do I have everything I expected to have?
If I don’t, how come? What changed?
In my core relationships,
am I where I thought I would be by now?
If not, why is that the case?
If I do have everything (and perhaps even more)
do I feel like I had hoped I would?
This thinking and feeling
can be tough work if we can’t answer
a solid “Yes!” to all those questions.
It can be especially tough
if we’ve got all the material things we wanted
(so logically our life is good)
but we don’t FEEL as connected or fulfilled
as we felt we would feel (and as we truly want to feel)
in our core relationships.
Because at the end of the day
as was so poignantly conveyed in “into the wild”
all the time in the world
(and all the money in the world)
is worth nought
if we don’t get the joy of sharing it
with someone we deeply love
and someone who deeply loves us back.
In this space of contemplation
there can be many realisations.
If your realisations
about where you are,
what you have,
and how you feel about your core relationships
are good, and you feel grateful
for all the love and connection
you have in your life,
good on you.
Consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
Lucky not because
you haven’t worked hard
(likely you have!)
but, because your hard work has paid off!
You’ve cracked the code
of living and loving
and that requires at least a sprinkle of luck.
To you I say,
“Enjoy your Easter!”
And can I encourage you to
be especially grateful to those you love
not because you have to be,
but just because you can be.
If you haven’t answered an enthusiastic “Yes!”
to life’s challenging questions,
then I hope this Easter email
will let you know that you’re not alone.
And can I acknowledge
that it can be tough to be in a position
of having all the first world perks
(that many across the globe long for)
and have the holiday time to enjoy those perks
without having the first world FEELINGS
(of joy, happiness, deep connection and love)
that we assume would come with all that.
If your primary relationship
is not what you had hoped it would be
then over the coming holiday period
you might find yourself thinking something like:
I love my partner, but I don’t feel loved by them.
I married for life,
but I’m not sure I love my partner any more…
I’ve always liked my partner,
but I don’t think I’ve ever really loved them…
I don’t love my partner, in fact, I can barely stand them,
but I can’t even think about the idea of leaving them…
Am I in love? What is love anyway?
It all seems overrated, is that true? And how would I even know?
I love my significant other, but they drive me so crazy!!
I don’t think I can do it anymore…
I’m so tired, I don’t even want to think about any of this.
I feel trapped. By kids, by life and maybe by my partner too…
Is this all there is?…
And there could be so many other thoughts.
And some a whole lot heavier.
And, whether it’s conscious or not,
there can often be an underlying question…
Should I stay? Or should I go?
As a conscious question,
it’s super tough to feel into
especially if we’re not sure about the answer.
It can lead to a constant feeling of indecisiveness.
Repetitive thinking as we loop around and around
on the same thoughts that we can’t (or won’t) action.
We may swing from one day to the next,
or suffer the constant feeling
of being really stuck or trapped.
As an unconscious question,
“Should I stay or should I go?”
it’s a constant and deep source of agitation
If you’ve been thinking some of the above
for a little while or for a long while
can I encourage you
to do some special searching this Easter.
Do it for yourself
for your kids, if you have them
(because what you model they will copy)
and for your significant other too
(whether you love them or not!)
I encourage you to get clear on what you want.
If you could be exactly where you wanted to be
in terms of your primary relationship
in 5 year’s time,
what would that look like?
Because here’s the thing…
Our past does NOT have to be our future!
If we change the way we think.
We can change our whole world.
Not in an instant, to be fair.
But, in 5 years? For sure!
And, for that to happen,
you need to get clear,
really clear, on what you want.
if ANYTHING was possible
over the coming 5 years…
If you don’t have LOVE in your relationship
or you feel you LOVE
but you don’t feel that in return
then maybe you need to own that truth
and own what you WANT…
If you have LOVE but you also have CRAZINESS
then maybe you need to own
that your boundaries aren’t great…
(your boundaries on what you allow in your life
and your boundaries on what you allow yourself to say
when you’re feeling hot under the collar
(I say this as it takes two people to
have a crazy relationship).
So get clear on how you would like it to be
and what boundaries you’re going to need
to put in place…
If you don’t know if you love the other person
then maybe it’s time to be BRAVE
and see if they feel the same way too…
That way you can both decide
to work at it, or to let it go.
And if you feel TRAPPED and smothered
or HURT and controlled
maybe it’s time to take responsibility
not a little bit, but a whole lot.
Take responsibility for NICELY
standing up for yourself.
Not so that you hurt the other
but so that you look after yourself.
And imagine what it would be
for you to do that.
And how you would be in 5 years time.
Wherever you are, get clear…
How do you want to feel in yourself?
How do you want to feel towards your partner?
Do you want them in your life or not?
In 5 years time,
what do you want to be saying to yourself?
What do you want to be saying to them?
And what do you want to be hearing in return?
And then write it down.
Because you DESERVE your dream.
You deserve everything you just wished for.
You just need to do the work to get it.
My hope for you is
that no matter your starting point
this short activity
will see you feeling inspired enough to
TAKE THE FIRST STEP
(and the next, and the next)
so you can make your dream a reality.
Your first step could be:
To actually write your dream down.
To make a decision that you know you need to make.
To read a book to get past an internal issue.
To reach out and get some help from a friend.
To do some individual or couples counselling or coaching
or perhaps some other personal development work.
Or it could be to do something
totally random and unique to your situation.
Whatever it is that you feel you need to do
I do hope this post inspires you
and sets you on a path
that sees you in 5 years time
feeling deeply connected
to yourself as an individual,
and joyously happy
in whatever relationship you have chosen.
PS. From my family to yours, I wish you a very Happy Easter!
PPS. We do great relationship coaching!
(Relationship with self AND others).
That’s because we walk our talk.
If you work with us we can’t promise to save your relationship
but we do guarantee (literally) to have you feeling good about
yourself and about any decisions you need to make.
Our experiences help us to be very present
to many of the more challenging first world problems.
We’ve both made the very tough decision to let go of solid
relationships in the pursuit of more.
We’ve felt the joy of new euphoric love.
We’ve felt the pain of someone we adore hurting us to our core.
And we’ve done the personal work of turning crazy passion
into consistent joy-filled love and connection.